Yesterday was the big day!
After weeks of anticipation and days of spiraling emotions, I finally moved across the country to Newark, NJ, to start my big girl job! I’ve been looking forward to this moment since I graduated in May.
Leading up to today, I can honestly say I don’t know exactly which emotions I was feeling. Whenever my close family and friends would ask me what I was feeling, I genuinely didn’t know. I was happy and sad. I was anxious yet at peace. I was overwhelmed with this growing snowball of feelings I couldn’t decipher, which scared me.
I wanted to know what I felt so that I could understand how to handle it better. But I still couldn’t figure out what was going on inside of me.
So, I turned to the one thing that always helped me sort out my emotions no matter what I was feeling: journaling.
I started journaling in middle school, not really knowing that’s what I was doing, and often kept a journal on and off for the next few years. I had always enjoyed writing and appreciated the release I felt once I saw my words on paper.
However, it wasn’t until the Christmas break of my Freshman year of college that I specifically began to document my faith journey. With a newfound desire to grow and develop in Christ, I wanted to write down exactly what I was feeling and what He would speak to my heart.
So last Friday, when my emotions were at an all-time high, I read through the “Jesus Calling” devotional for that day and typed out how I was feeling.
Here’s an excerpt from my journal entry: 7/19/19
“Bring me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn’t have. Fear and anxiety still plague you. Feelings per se are not sinful, but they can be temptations to sin.”Jesus Calling
Yeah definitely have been dealing with that. Fear of the unknown. Fear of all the possible changes. Doubt that I may have to give up what I want for what he knows that I need and that THAT will hurt me. I know His will is never to hurt me or to put me in places I can’t recover from. But yeah. I still feel it.
“Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. If you persist, your feelings will eventually fall in line with your faith.”Jesus Calling
You got me. You got my whole world in your hands. My entire future is in your hands, and I know you would never let me down. You may challenge me and push me to grow, but its all handled. I am in a fixed fight. You want me to WIN!
“Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn’t there. The anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear: a monstrous mutation.”Jesus Calling
Yikes. Not the fear of fear. So ok, I read you. Allow me to feel it. All of it.
“Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold with you.”Jesus Calling
God, you know what I feel. You know that I’m petrified. I’ve never had to do this before. Be on my own. Make my own decisions. I mean I have, but I feel like this is entirely different
Wow. God, you’re funny. Thank you for reminding me of my very own prayer that when I think this is new territory, I’ll remember that it really isn’t. Thank you.
Help me to trust in you and lean on you. Order my footsteps. Let me know what I should and shouldn’t do. Help me to make the best decisions and to see that it will all work out for my good. Help me not to rely on my own strength or anyone else’s for that matter. But help me to know that you are the source of my power and the strength of my life. Thank you for always being there for me when I can’t even be there for myself.
The prayer that I’m referring to is to another one I made at the beginning of the year. (If you’ve noticed from previous posts, I had a lot of specific prayers to God in January).
I knew that this would be a massive year for change. I knew that I would be starting over in a lot of ways.
So, I asked God that when I felt my emotions getting the better of me, when I felt as if I was dealing with the unknown territory, that He would remind me that I had gone through this exact emotional experience 4 years earlier.
The first 6 months of my Freshman year of college was the hardest and most challenging time of my life. I was 900 miles from home, I had no family close by, and I knew absolutely no one on campus. I was homesick for the first time in my life, though I traveled without my family every summer since I was 8. I felt lost. I was overcome with emotion. I felt as if I wasn’t supposed to be there.
But leaning on the encouragement from my parents and strength from God, I was able to find my groove and ended up having the best four years of my life. God opened so many doors during that time. I was blessed in more ways than I could count. It prepared and propelled me into this next phase of my life.
Being reminded of that prayer not only made me laugh (God can be funny in that way), but it also gave me peace beyond words.
He was assuring me that He is never changing. He is the same yesterday, today and will be tomorrow.
He has never held out on providing for me, protecting me, and keeping me at perfect peace. He places me in areas where He knows I’ll grow for my own sake so that I can continue to be a blessing to somebody else.
I knew at that moment that everything was going to be just fine. I would be successful, I would find opportunity, it would all work out.
God is intentional in the way He designs our path for growth. Many times, it is shaking the foundation of our comfort level to help us understand we should only rely on Him. Sometimes, it is propelling us into an entirely new space and environment. And for us stubborn people, it is giving us the same lesson over and over until we pass the test.
But whatever method He chooses, it is never more than we can bear. He knows each of us individually, and what it will take for us to get to the level He’s called us to. When faced with circumstances seemingly beyond your level of strength and control, take a walk down memory lane. Think about the many times He’s not only brought you through but blessed you for your faithfulness. Continue to hold fast to His unchanging hand!